I think I grew up assuming I’d starve myself before my wedding. Eating disorders are insidious like that. I have eleven years of abstinence from bulimia, but that doesn’t mean the thoughts aren’t there. That doesn’t mean there aren’t times when my mind slips back into the soft dress of what-ifs. What if this time I tried X? As if I hadn’t spent decades trying all manner of ways to make this body smaller.
But that’s what people do, right? They diet extra hard and hit the gym more frequently—all to lose those stubborn few pounds and fit into that suit or dress.
Yeah. That’s just not gonna ever be me. Because it was for far too long. And I love myself too much to go through that madness again. I know what it takes to lose weight fast, and my soul is not interested. No, thank you.
I had an epiphany the other day while talking to a friend who has been sober from alcohol for years. She said she feels lonely sometimes in a world that is booze-obsessed. And I realized, holy shit, I get it. Because I feel alone in a world that is thin-obsessed. And just like she will not sacrifice her health and sobriety to fit in with people who drink, I refuse to be sucked into beauty ideals that would have me hating my appearance.
So, what I’m working on is grounding myself in this body—placing my hand on the rounded flesh of my stomach and being like, “Hey, this is okay.” I’m working on knowing I won’t be in charge of the angles at which I’m photographed, and I may look bigger in some pics, which may be difficult to accept. I’m working on embodying love, acceptance, confidence and kindness.
Of course, I make mistakes. I get sad. Or frustrated. I tell myself super unhelpful shit, like, “This would all be easier if I was thinner.” Well, I’ve been thin, and I was miserable, so clearly, that’s not the answer.
My recovery is slow because my illness was long.
But to be just myself on my wedding day… Wearing a dress I love, our kids at my side, marrying a man who loves me with his entire being—that’s the goal. And that will be the reality. In this body. With this heart. Heading toward a future filled with love, peace, and genuinely good health.
