These past few months have brought on an accelerated awareness and healing of many beliefs and patterns that were really keeping me from going within and bringing me closer to myself. And as I had said before, it has not been easy. Being accountable is difficult but I’ve learned that it is so much better than pointing the finger. As I said to a friend last week: Blame is exhausting.
So as I get to know myself, I’m learning some valuable things that I was simply blind to before. It’s an awakening, I suppose, and I’m at the very beginning.
I’ve realized I’m capable.
I can mow the lawn, shovel the driveway, change the lightbulbs, fix toys, take the kids to all their activities etc. And maybe this sounds silly, but I’ve been used to help and the splitting of duties. The thought of adding more to my plate seemed overwhelming at first. But it’s a matter of prioritizing and stopping with all the disasterbating.
I’ve realized I can ask for help.
Having said the above, I have needed to learn my limits and keep good boundaries. I cannot do it all alone. And there’s no hero cookie for doing that anyway. When I need help, I ask. (Or, at least, I’m learning to.) Money and time are tight and while this won’t always be the case, I’m not going to pretend it isn’t my present. I’ve got this and that’s partly because I have good support.
I’ve realized I can enjoy taking care of myself.
Still learning this, but I’m truly beginning to have fun with adding healthy things to my day. Long walks or hikes, fresh fruits and vegetables, Zumba, and long baths with Epsom salts are helping my mood in the simplest of ways. If I’m taking care of me, I’m not looking to anyone else for that care. I’m so grateful that I can do these things. Most single mothers around the world simply do not have access to the privileges that I do.
I’ve realized most people are suffering more than they share.
This is something I’ve known for a while, but I haven’t applied it to all people. I’ve been content to put certain people in a box and label them as miserable or mean or vindictive. Most people are in pain—even if they’re not consciously aware of it. And it is in my willingness to see how alike we are that I begin to free us both of this suffering.
I’ve realized that my childhood beliefs left me constantly seeking love and validation from others.
And it was desperate. If I felt disconnected from someone, I would want that connection back immediately. Without it, I felt abandoned, unworthy, and afraid. It was awful—for me and the people around me. I am learning to sit with these feelings and hold onto myself. This is a big one.
I’ve realized that when I am triggered, it is my responsibility to address that.
I had a few difficult conversations last week, and what I learned was that I am responsible for my reactions. The person in front of me is not responsible for the decades I have spent feeling unworthy. I am. So while I can address things that may not be fair and be honest, I have to make sure my responses are appropriate and when they are not, to make amends.
This is all happening fast, but I have a long way to go. It occurs to me that this has been the work all along. Personal responsibility, honesty, and mindfulness are helping me to make peace with my past and present, and to have faith in a future over which I have only some control. Sometimes it’s scary, often it sucks, but mostly it’s a whole lot of relief.
<3
Photo by osman alyaz from Pexels
