If my view outside was any indication, today was going to be grey and messy and cold. It was early November. The trees were still giving up their leaves to harsh winds and bitter rains. The sky bore a permanent layer of dulled darkness, and the streets wore a sheen of recent downpours. I held my cup of coffee against my chest and gave thanks for the warmth of my home.
This was something I had to make a point of doing. It was easy to get lost in the trials of life and forget just how blessed and, frankly, privileged I was. So this rainy, grey day with its first-quarter moon and funky energy could go suck a lemon. I was going to be just fine, thanks.
My phone buzzed from across the room, and I considered leaving it. But my daughter was at a friend’s, so I had to at least look. It turned out to be my friend, Gillian, who was ten years my junior and whom I had been supporting a lot lately. She was having relationship issues and needed an ear often. I answered.
“Paul is doing it again,” she said, her voice tight with emotion.
I sat down at the kitchen table, knowing this would most likely be a long call. “What’s he doing, honey? Are you ok?”
She sniffed and paused, seemingly pulling herself together. “He’s not talking to me. I’m being punished. I can feel it.”
“Ok,” I said softly. “Tell me what happened. You argued?”
Gillian cleared her throat and sucked in a breath. “Yes, I told him I’m frustrated about his long hours at work and how I just want to have a night out or a weekend away to reconnect.”
I smiled. “You miss him.”
“Yes,” she replied. “But that’s not what he heard. He heard me attacking his being tired from work and not doing enough in the relationship.”
I winced. “Oof.”
“And now he won’t talk to me. He stomps around the house and won’t return my texts. What the heck am I going to do? All I want is for him to talk to me, but I remembered what you said about holding onto my own energy, so I’m reaching out to you instead of kissing his butt.”
I did a little happy dance inside. “Gill, that’s so good! I’m proud of you!”
She sniffed back a cry. “I don’t know, Danielle. It feels awful. It feels like I’m losing everything.”
I wanted to hug her just then. “I know, love. You’re breaking an old pattern. It’s going to hurt. And you mentioned the last time we spoke that you and your therapist figured out that Paul reminds you of your mom—that she used to use withholding love or affection as a means to manipulate you, right? So, Paul is an emotional twin of your mother come ’round again.”
Gillian sighed. “Yeah.”
“I know it’s not easy. But it’s important to pull yourself out of the emotions and get back into your logical thinking. Paul is using the silent treatment to control and manipulate. You cannot engage. Your pattern is to give in and then give more and more of yourself until he cracks—just so you can feel safe and that he won’t leave you. This is not good for you. I know you know that.”
She paused a moment before answering. “Yeah, I know.”
“You’re learning how to nourish yourself without needing anyone else to do it for you. This will take time. But you’re doing so well.”
“I just feel like I’m not being nice. Like, maybe me being nice to him will show him how he can be nice to me, you know?”
I did know. The codependent mind can come up with all sorts of rationale for putting one’s own needs aside in favour of someone else. “I hear you, honey. This not about you ignoring him to stick it to him; this is about you holding on to yourself—to no longer lend your strength to someone or something that is not giving back. You matter. Your feelings matter. And if he insists on not replying or talking to you, then just let him go ahead and do that.”
Gillian took a deep breath. “Ok,” she said. “I can do that.”
“We’ve got to fill our own wells, love. And I’m so glad you’re learning this now. I wish I’d known when I was younger.”
“I’m just happy you know now and can help me! My mom just keeps telling me to leave him and that’s not what I want.”
She had mentioned this before and seemed to struggle with it a lot. So many people just leave relationships without looking at their own patterns of behaviour. But if you can’t break the pattern, you will repeat it—the person you’re with will not matter in that sense. The solution is not “out there”; it’s within. That’s not to say that relationships don’t run their course. They absolutely can. And, when there is violence, that is another matter entirely.
“I know it’s not, Gill. One day at a time,” I reminded softly.
We hung up, and I sat back in my chair. It occurred to me how helpful it can be to have a loved one gently call you on your shit. Even if you’re not ready to hear it, it can be a seed planted to be harvested later. The people in my inner circle have one thing in common: the ability to be honest with themselves. Anything less is simply too draining for me these days.
I don’t much care about how many things you have or how fast you’re moving up some imaginary ladder—though I am always fascinated by successful people. Tell me how you’re working on healing old traumas or breaking patterns that have run rampant in your family for generations. It’s messy; it’s unconventional; it’s also a way out.
The dark times were so much easier to meet these days. I trust myself more. I trust Spirit more. It’s not complete, but I’m getting there.
**originally written November 2019
As mentioned above, I’m fortunate enough to have some incredible friends in my life. One of those is Hannah. This woman is not only angelic in real life, she has the voice of an angel too. So who better than to record the audiobook version of The Sweetwood Series??! 🎧 Hannah is a talented, experienced voice actress and an absolute blessing in my life. We’ve seen each other through a lot in our 10+ years of friendship.
Hannah and I are SO EXCITED to bring you this audio version of the books. Many of you may not know this, but I rarely read paperbacks or ebooks these days. I almost exclusively listen to audiobooks. So to be able to offer this as an indie author is next-level for me. And I could not do it without Hannah.
So, thank you, sweet Hannah. For everything.
And friends, you’ll be the first to know when The Sweetwood Series Audiobook is ready! 💙
