I have this innate desire to heal so that others can heal. Now, does it get muddled with ego concerns and intentions? Yes. I try my best to be aware of this as much as possible and make mental health, healing, and remembering who I really am a priority.
The other day, I found myself trying to explain to someone how to feel their feelings. It sounds a bit silly. And Lord knows, until a few years ago, I thought I was an expert at feeling. I mean, I cried all the time. I would constantly reach out to friends for emotional validation and would write my heart out.
The thing is, those are part of the process-—sure. But only part. And I’ve found that when I really, truly feel my feelings, I rarely need the external validation after all. And for me, that is fucking everything.
I can only come at this from my limited experience and from what I’ve observed with friends and clients—most of us avoid actual feeling like the plague. There’s a good reason for that. When our brains sense pain, we are hard-wired to avoid it. And there are plenty of ways to do that in this modern world of instant pleasure. Sex, shopping, booze, weed, drugs… it’s all at our fingertips.
May I suggest hugging your sweet self right now? Because none of it can make that niggling emptiness at the seat of our guts go away.
If you’re human, chances are you had some negative experiences of some form in your childhood or early life. You most likely picked up some dysfunctional programming or adopted some questionable coping mechanisms, and these are now affecting your relationships in ways that may be hard to own. What I’ve learned is that until I was willing to confront those old wounds, I’d remain stuck in the same negative pattern, blaming the same types of people and never being able to move forward fully.
So, when I get triggered, I sit with it. Now, you can’t always do this in the moment, so just do it when you can. When triggered, start by acknowledging: “Wow, I’m totally triggered right now.” Then ask yourself what the feeling is and what triggered you. It might be that you felt unsafe, or you felt attacked, maybe trapped or controlled. Whatever comes to mind, use it. Invest your attentiveness in how you are feeling.
The next step is just to feel that feeling until it passes. Don’t pick up your phone, don’t distract. Just sit. This is suuuuperuncomfortable. I’m not going to pretend it’s not. But if you can see this through, you’ll often gain valuable insight. Often, there is a place in your body you can point to where the discomfort lives: your throat may feel tight, and you may have butterflies in your stomach. Moving your attention to your body can help take you out of your brain that just wants to send you down a rabbit hole of negativity.
Once you’re able to see the trigger through, ask yourself when was the first time you remember feeling that way. Now, you may not get this on the first attempt. Your brain may be stubborn and tell you it’s just this thing that happened just now. If that’s the case, gently move on. But each time you’re triggered, keep asking. Our wounds are often cast in childhood. And getting to the root is how we heal.
For instance, I received an email several months back where I felt scolded. The person’s tone was authoritative and harsh. When I sat in how this made me feel, I was transported back to my third-grade teacher and an instance where she overheard me tell a friend that she was “strict.” She was not pleased and proceeded to make me stand up in front of the class while she tore a strip off me.
With that identified, I was able to view the situation as an adult. This teacher was wildly insecure. I remember her bragging about her new car, new purses, etc, to us little ones. Goodness, anyone who has to shame a child like that in front of her peers needs a whole lotta love. So that is what I did. I imagined the situation again and surrounded my eight-year-old self with loads of love and compassion, and did the same for my teacher. With this new understanding, there was no need to revisit that feeling. And if there were, there would certainly be much less of a charge to it. In this situation, I absolutely deserved better, and here was an opportunity to give it.
If you’re going to try this whole feeling your feelings thing, you have to have support. This is non-negotiable. You cannot go this alone. Whether it’s a mental health professional, close friend, or spiritual advisor, have someone familiar with the workings of the human heart in your corner.
And if you’re so inclined, talk to God. In my humble opinion, a higher power makes all the difference and can be included throughout this process. Let God (Universe, Holy Spirit, Buddha, etc.) hold your hand the entire way. Let Him take the pain on and have Him guide you to see what He would have you see. I truly feel like God (by any name) is the missing piece in our world.
And be gentle with yourself. Always gentle. Give yourself what you’ve deserved all along, LOVE.
I am still on my healing path, but I want to share what has worked in the hopes that it may work for someone else, too.
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