Bending to kiss him goodnight, I whispered: “I love you exactly as you are.” His ten-year-old face relaxed at that. My son—at once gentle, kind, destructive and dreamy-eyed-—held a real depth of feeling behind his cool, blue eyes. The nighttime routine was important to him—the last reassurance that all is right in the world before he retired for the night.
A good friend of mine maintains that it’s not easy being a man these days—that they’re expected to walk this line of tough and tender, that they have to be ‘man enough’ and yet, caring, compassionate, thoughtful and soft. And while I know that men (especially white men) can get away with pretty much everything and still be celebrated, I do see her point. I see it for the men who genuinely want to do better and live for their partners and families. I see it, and I want more for my son.
My experience with raising a boy is such that I see how he’s expected to fit in a box. Sure, that’s what society does. But I see it more particularly with him. He has this softness to his heart, which is easily made fun of, and taken advantage of. He is a dreamer, often unaware of his surroundings, sometimes clumsy, but never cruel. Any toughness is not taken seriously, in spite of his tall and broad stature. It’s his sweetness you’ll see first. And he’ll see you. He’ll see you with acceptance and a willingness to know the best in you.
I do not want this snuffed out. Not for anything.
I believe that many grown men are walking around these days broken, angry and confused because their softness was snuffed out in favour of being ‘tough’. And for what? Did it help them win more fights, sleep with more women or gain more clout? Or did it stifle their very being? How is one expected to find their true path when one cannot be true to themselves? How is a man to find happiness if he’s too worried about looking weak, passive or (gasp!) gay?
The truth is, a man settled in his power and authenticity is the sexiest man alive. Comfort within one’s own skin is the goal. And while I cannot gift this to my boy, I can gift safety-—safety to be who he is now so that he feels confident enough to grow into the man he was always meant to be. And as for the grown men of today who were raised by otherwise well-meaning, loving people drawing more from society’s fearful taunts than the intuitive love beating patiently within their own breasts-—may they be loved into gentle submission…
May love conquer the lies they’ve been trying to subsist on. May they have more and more moments of truth, kindness, acceptance, and peace. May they find themselves.
And as I kiss my son goodnight, I hold all this in my heart.
Photo by Rami Hammoud from Pexels
**The mental health educator referenced in this episode is Seerut K. Chawla
*originally written September 2018
