I lived in the closet for a while. It’s amazing what writing that out does for me—an acknowledgment of my own process aside from holding space for my ex-husband. I lived on the other side of it with a secret that was not my own. For over a year, as my whole world was unravelling, I had one person in whom to confide. One. And I had God.
So perhaps that’s where this comes from, this longing to feel heard. I’m not sure, but I will honour it. I will not stay quiet in order to make others comfortable because I did that for a very, very long time. Honesty connects us. There are layers to it that, in our fervent attempt to be the ‘good one,’ we ignore. I did.
You probably won’t be harder on me than I am on myself. But when that hardness, that unkindness builds up, it spills over, and there’s no way it’s not felt.
A beloved Course teacher, Ken Wapnick, said: “What heals people isn’t the brilliance of your remarks or the wisdom of your words. What heals people is the love in your mind.”
I don’t want to hurt anyone. I have invested so much energy in needing to be right that it has brought me away from being loving. It’s a process, and I can choose again. I am willing to be a Happy Learner. It’s not about surface behaviour or words, though genuine kindness is always ideal. If I hold grievances in my mind, I am not at peace. I am learning this, and I remain willing to have my mind healed.
This is my prayer:
May I learn from my mistakes.
May I be gentle with myself and others.
May my writing echo truth, compassion and kindness.
May it echo the Love in my mind.
May I hold no regret and may I, instead, always be willing to forgive.
Holy Spirit, your way is sure.
My way is misery.
Your way is my will.
Amen.
❤️
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