It’s been eating away at me for weeks. I’ve been trying to plan how I will defend myself to someone who, I believe, has been told things that are untrue about me. In my mind I’ve been playing out the conversation- how I could set the record straight, correct any lies and explain my side of the story. And meanwhile, as my thoughts entertain this act of defence, I am extremely uncomfortable. It feels…icky and like a waste of time. My whole body tightens as I recite all the reasons why- and this is what I need to pay attention to.
But I’ve been wronged! This is something I have to make right. This is something I have to clear up. It’s unfair to have someone walking around believing things about me that are untrue… isn’t it? Don’t I deserve to have my side heard?
Sure, I do. And yet…
For some reason, this doesn’t feel like the right course of action. For some reason, events keep happening to bring me away from this person. Kindness (God, Love, Intuition…) is trying to tell me something. Danielle wants to impose. Kindness whispers: Let it go…
This is really hard to surrender.
I’ve gone against Kindness before- won’t pretend that I haven’t. I have heard the whispers, witnessed the signs and gone ahead and done as I wished. And you know what? Every single time I came out feeling like crap, looking like an asshole and making a bigger mess of things. That ego call to defend is so loud and sexy. It doles out empty promises of redemption, of being right and feeling heard. It is a bringer of misery- nothing more, nothing less.
So perhaps this person isn’t ready to hear my side. Perhaps it will only confuse them or make them feel like they have to choose. In the end, it doesn’t matter. If it’s not the kindest thing to do, then what is the point in doing it? If life has already shown me how painful it is to go against my intuition, then why would I play with that?
The truth is we risk going against our intuition all the time. I know I do. We think “Maybe just this once it will work! Maybe just this once I’ll be right.”. But this is the I of the ego, not of Kindness, the I that cares more about proving itself than being at peace. The reason I feel uncomfortable is because I have chosen wrongly- I have chosen the ego. As always though, I can choose again.
The process is like this:
- I recognize I am upset.
- I become willing to admit that I am not upset for the reason I think.
- I give the grievance over to God/Holy Spirit/Inner Teacher of Kindness.
- I ask to see the Truth instead.
- I allow the Truth to dawn on my mind.
In this situation, when I practiced this process, all I was guided to do was nothing. I know this because as the thought “do nothing” occurred to me, I felt a tangible relaxing of my body and mind. I knew I had to let it go. And even now, as the ego fights to be heard and to stir things up instead, I know that doing nothing is the kindest thing to do. Even though I feel wronged, I am willing to see it differently.