What is this boundless insecurity that makes us do these awful things? To take an innocent situation and twist it in on itself? Who are we to look past reason straight through to insanity and run with it? Because why? Because we’re hurt? Because someone didn’t hold up their end of the bargain?

We lie to ourselves all the time. We have agendas to make villains and it becomes the heart of all we do. But we speak with false concern and pretty lies dressed up like encouragement.

But what if we were naked in our hurt? What if we told the truth?

You hurt me when you left me, nearly ended me when you lied.

I didn’t know things were that bad- I swear.

I didn’t realize that you were bailing while I was burying. I couldn’t see that you were hiding things while I was hiding out.

It seems we came together at a time when most folks were getting married, having babies and we just followed suit.

We held onto our tiny threads and tried to weave a life. And as it unravelled, so did I.

I built myself on us- on our home, our family, our future. And I shouldn’t have.

My life has caved in and the caving is saving me.

So when I say “fuck you”, I really mean: Thank you. And when I say “how could you?!”, I really mean: I get it now.

We were a product of what we thought love should look like. We were playing house, playing at commitment and we were out of our depth.

It wasn’t wrong, it wasn’t bad, but it is over.

If I said sorry, would you hear me? If I took responsibility for my part, would you acknowledge yours?

We will live in the lie as long as it lets us hide and pretend. The pain of the truth is embarrassing to some, unimaginable to others. We will skate the surface of our feelings and leave our villains in the ice until we are ready to let go.

We do

what we do

until we

don’t.

<3

 

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