It’s not easy. Life. Being human surrounded by judgment and opinion everywhere you turn, the worst of it living inside your own mind…
We try so hard to be good. We want so badly to be right when someone else makes us feel wrong. This constant back and forth between love and fear…it hurts.
And there are people who just trigger us…so. damn. much. They get right to us and it’s a visceral reaction. Our blood boils, our jaw tightens, the words of rebuke rush through our brain landing hard and hot on the tip of our tongue. We want to show them. We want to put them in their place. Because we are better, more innocent, having made better choices, free from sin and pure.
But we don’t really believe that.
In the end, the people who trigger us most are simply showing us our deepest fears about ourselves. “He’s mean, judgmental and a liar.” or “She’s irresponsible, unstable and a loser.” We may not even say these things out out, but we don’t need to. Thought is energy. Energy is everything. And it’s all coming from within. At some level we are the liars and the losers. If we didn’t hold that within, we couldn’t see it without.
Such a hard pill to swallow.
I was out for tacos and tequila with a good friend the other night and I was complaining about someone I had to work with. This friend is someone whom I know will call me on my shit. I don’t bitch to friends who will simply say, “Oof! What an asswipe!” That’s too easy and something I’ve outgrown. So as I complained, she watched me; she listened.
And when I was done ranting she said, “But to everyone else he’s probably a perfectly kind person.”
To which I replied, “Well, maybe but he’s mentally unstable.” She laughed and then looked me in the eye. I softened. “Of course, we’re all mentally unstable,” I said.
She laughed again. “Exactly,” she replied.
And since then I have taken my judgments about this person to Spirit. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to point fingers; I want to heal. This, in A Course in Miracles, is called forgiveness. I ask to have my mind healed of fear in order to remember Love. This is a miracle: a shift in perception. He can take nothing from me, not really, because I am not this body. I am but the pure love within it. Where once I saw a man separate from me- wrong in his decisions, unkind in his words, aggressive in his manner- I now see a brother. We are the same because we both want to remember Love, though we have our own ways of doing so.
OK. I understand that. And as that understanding spreads from my mind outward, my blood cools, my jaw loosens and the words become feelings of acceptance and peace. There is nothing more to say.
That ego-pull to judge and blame (fear) is addictive. I watch it tug at my mind day in and day out. But forgiveness feels better. My willingness to feel better outweighs the decision to judge.
One day at at a time.
One grievance at a time.
Some grievances being years-long, while others but a moment.