My cells hold memories of this time of year. For six weeks or so between the months of June and July, my body and my mind begin to prepare. They begin to warn me of imminent pain, sadness and loss. I’m not usually conscious of it until I am at least halfway in. Slowly though, it spreads and absorbs into my waking thoughts.
Death, break-ups and dark nights of the soul. That’s what lives in my bones during these weeks. Change. Unexpected, unwanted change.
And while my body remembers the pain, my soul whispers of the transformation.
I held off on posting about this, but Monday was kind of a big deal for me. In the wake of what happened in Orlando, it seemed trivial and perhaps even self-indulgent, but I tend to be hard on myself so I decided to look at it differently.
Monday, June 13th marked 5 years of abstinence from bulimia for me.
It marked 5 years of peace instead of violence, of acceptance instead of judgment, of love instead of hatred.
If what my elementary school choir experience taught me is true, then peace begins with me. For 15 years I was at war with myself. For 5 years since, the peace treaty that is recovery has been upheld.
Healing is possible. Change was required. The suffering was optional.
My uncle passed away this weekend- a quiet, kind and intelligent man, most of the time I spent with him was as a child. I remember the way his daughters looked at him- with complete admiration, like they knew with absolute certainty that they were the lights of his life. I recall my beloved aunt rolling her eyes at him and yet speaking his name with such deep adoration. It’s remarkable, but that is the bulk of what I remember about him: the love.
I’m going to be patient with myself about this. Gentle. These short weeks hold pain and they hold such promise. As I allow myself to grieve, to be sad and even to accept congratulations for the feat of healing an awful fucking disease, I will be gentle. I will be open to the healing possibilities that this surrender can bring.
I cannot fight anymore, not like that. Love is better. Love wins.