Thank you to Corinne and Gabby for inspiring me to write this when I considered silence instead. Sometimes silence is helpful and others it’s simply a way to withhold love. Withholding love leads to suffering. I don’t want to suffer anymore <3
There is an ongoing situation in my life that tests me. Test isn’t the right word- it’s in my face to show me my own shit. I am, without a doubt, meant to learn.
A friend of mine said to me: “Whenever someone tells you what they think of you, they’re really just telling you about themselves. It’s your reaction to their words that helps you to see what you still need to look at and heal.”
Some things you know are true as soon as you hear them. This was one of those things.
This ongoing situation is with someone who comments on and, in my ego opinion, judges my home life. Their comments bring up feelings of deep shame, anger and defensiveness for me. My ego hates feeling misunderstood and wants to instantly clear the air and make things right. I want to make them see I have only good intentions at heart and that my children are good, kind people. In short, I want approval. Even writing that out makes me well up.
My friends who want to protect me say: “You’re so vulnerable; it’ll just be used against you. You’ll be mocked, undermined and used.”
Maybe. But again, it’s only my reaction that I need to pay attention to. That’s the only time it’s really personal- because I make it so. These thoughts of shame, anger and defensiveness basically amount to: “If only this person was different, then I could be happy.” Well, now I’m laughing to myself…. Because how ridiculous is that?!
The truth is I do worry that my home life is a bit chaotic. I do worry that my kids are too emotional or that I let too much go at times. This negative self-judgment lies buried until a fellow human comes along to dig it up for me. Knowing this is a gift and not a punishment isn’t easy, but I always come around to it. I have to thank God for the triggers, for showing me what is still mine to heal.
I chose judgment at first and I suffered as a result. I chose to blame and defend (all of this as conversations in my head) and my day was negatively affected because of it. And then beautiful friends guided me back to love- to the only thing I can control (the choice for love) and the only thing that will help me return to peace (forgiveness).
Danielle is a flawed human being who wants to remember the Love she came from. The real me never left. Every shot of defensiveness is simply an opportunity to perceive with love instead of fear until Love is all I see. I am called to make peace with what is- every moment of every day.
From my Lesson in A Course in Miracles today…#75
“The light has come. You are healed and you can heal. The light has come. You are saved and you can save. You are at peace, and you bring peace with you wherever you go. Darkness and turmoil and death have disappeared. The light has come.”
To sum up: it’s never about the other person; it’s always about me. Thank God for that. I had chosen wrongly, but I can always choose again.