The Grudge

The Grudge

I was taken aback. The memory of that day filled my veins- rushing thick and and quick throughout my entire body. Nearly five years ago, I was sitting on my bed crying- trying to explain myself to someone uninterested in what I had to say. We spoke through screens and...
Love Against the Dying of the Light

Love Against the Dying of the Light

I have rage.  So many years of having swallowed the words I wanted to say- so many years of shutting up, saying yes while no is what lived in my breast. People-pleasing has caused a pool of anger to form in my belly.  At times, it rises up and out of me. And I am...
The Toughest Year Yet

The Toughest Year Yet

Today I celebrate 6 years abstinence from bulimia. Surprisingly, this past year was one of the toughest. Anyone who has struggled with healing an eating disorder or addiction may know what I’m talking about, but I can only speak from my own experience. I did not...
How to Take Care of Your Heart

How to Take Care of Your Heart

Have you ever seen a heart exposed, ribs spread, beating in a nest of red? It’s messy, complicated and yet, it works. There’s all this blood, all these veins and arteries. It’s perfection within a cardiac cage of tissue and bone. Your heart beats for...
Overwhelm and Open Hearts

Overwhelm and Open Hearts

The day was misty and slightly cool leaving a light spray on our skin. On each tree a scant few leaves were dead, but remained- dangling atop branches that swayed. I wore a thick wool sweater on my back and a heaviness in my chest. The ellipse of human existence had...
Selling the Drama

Selling the Drama

What is it like to live beneath layers and layers of lies? To hold yourself so defensively against the world. To be so utterly fearless in your lies- knowing you will be caught. To have so little faith in the truth and in the kindness of others. What is it like to be...
The Light Has Come

The Light Has Come

Thank you to Corinne and Gabby for inspiring me to write this when I considered silence instead. Sometimes silence is helpful and others it’s simply a way to withhold love. Withholding love leads to suffering. I don’t want to suffer anymore <3 There is...
All That’s Left Unfelt

All That’s Left Unfelt

I wasn’t even sure how to start this post because it seems to me that I write about the same things over and over. And then it seems that I confuse my writing with my thoughts because, for me, they are so closely linked. What has been smack-dab in front of my...
As a Child Speaks

As a Child Speaks

Because he has this knack for speaking from his heart and because he means no harm, it’s hard not to fall in love with him. This child with hopes so simple and sweet. Ever since the moment I laid eyes on my son, I could feel a visceral connection. He knows when...
The Path Out of Panic

The Path Out of Panic

And it was out of the blue that I saw it. A spark, clear and bright. Brief in its appearance, gentle in its message. The truth of it burned into my brain like a brand: I was afraid. “Why does this always surprise me? Why do my eyes sting with the realization...
Shadowboxing

Shadowboxing

All the words within me are hiding behind curtains, clinging hard to the fabric- unwilling to show their faces. I want to shake them. There are times when I am so sick and tired of fear, of pretending, of shallowness clothed in martyrdom. I rage against it....
One Day

One Day

    Everyone has heard the adage: One day at a time. In recovery it was one I needed to hear often. In those rooms of beautiful souls resolved to live better, I heard so many incredibly helpful things, but this one was always true. It could be said a million...