No More Waiting in the Wings

No More Waiting in the Wings

I have been tangled up with you for years in a very arms-length, don’t-get-too-close-to-me kind of way. Never have I felt worthy. Never have I felt safe. And this has been my own doing. It has been through my own unwillingness to open up, to be myself that I sit...
Going Back – A (Very) Short Story

Going Back – A (Very) Short Story

I followed her down the sandy laneway to the lake. The moon was full, thankfully, as it was our only light at one in the morning. She pretended not to know I was behind her, but I never left her alone on this day. It had been sixteen years, but this date would still...
I Don’t Want to Anymore

I Don’t Want to Anymore

My vulnerability makes me seem weak, I think- Makes me seem needy, perhaps. But all it is is honesty. All it is is truth. Because baby I used to lie like a rug in fear’s basement. I would insist, defend and gaslight myself into dusty corners. It was a shield for...
My Journey with ‘The Secret’

My Journey with ‘The Secret’

In 2008, my life was in turmoil. Pregnant with my second child, supporting a husband through a toxic and expensive lawsuit, trying desperately to advance my career in research to earn more money and caring for my toddler daughter- I was stressed to the max. I lived on...
It’s Not For Me to Say

It’s Not For Me to Say

It’s not for me to say what would make you feel better.  It’s not for me to decide how you should heal.  But I’ve seen him in my dreams and I know that he’s ok.  He’s better than ok; he’s with you, but that’s not for me to...
My All

My All

One day my solitude won’t feel like solitude at all It will be the sweet ever after I’ve been longing for- The peace of dropped expectations and the serenity of a love recalled. It will be the how and the why, The what and the whom. And though my eyes are...
What If We Told the Truth?

What If We Told the Truth?

What is this boundless insecurity that makes us do these awful things? To take an innocent situation and twist it in on itself? Who are we to look past reason straight through to insanity and run with it? Because why? Because we’re hurt? Because someone...
The Miracle

The Miracle

Whether you blame the mother or you blame the wife- it’s still your life. And blame is a tether holding you as you drift high and low. One hates herself, the other can’t let go. But you can open your eyes, burst through the clouds. You’re allowed to...
Love Against the Dying of the Light

Love Against the Dying of the Light

I have rage.  So many years of having swallowed the words I wanted to say- so many years of shutting up, saying yes while no is what lived in my breast. People-pleasing has caused a pool of anger to form in my belly.  At times, it rises up and out of me. And I am...
Villains and Victims

Villains and Victims

I sit here preparing for another talk with my dear friend, Susan Dugan, about defencelessness and I have to acknowledge that I am enraged. Someone is trying very hard to hurt someone I love and I am incredibly defensive. My heart, once full of compassion, is now...
May I See This for What It Is

May I See This for What It Is

Last night it was incessant….the noise in my head- the rumblings of what I imagine other people think of me. And only I can shut that out. Only I can take that long, lost breath and choose again. Again. It’s getting better. The conversations that used to...
The Toughest Year Yet

The Toughest Year Yet

Today I celebrate 6 years abstinence from bulimia. Surprisingly, this past year was one of the toughest. Anyone who has struggled with healing an eating disorder or addiction may know what I’m talking about, but I can only speak from my own experience. I did not...