The Grudge

The Grudge

I was taken aback. The memory of that day filled my veins- rushing thick and and quick throughout my entire body. Nearly five years ago, I was sitting on my bed crying- trying to explain myself to someone uninterested in what I had to say. We spoke through screens and...
Love Against the Dying of the Light

Love Against the Dying of the Light

I have rage.  So many years of having swallowed the words I wanted to say- so many years of shutting up, saying yes while no is what lived in my breast. People-pleasing has caused a pool of anger to form in my belly.  At times, it rises up and out of me. And I am...
May I See This for What It Is

May I See This for What It Is

Last night it was incessant….the noise in my head- the rumblings of what I imagine other people think of me. And only I can shut that out. Only I can take that long, lost breath and choose again. Again. It’s getting better. The conversations that used to...
The Toughest Year Yet

The Toughest Year Yet

Today I celebrate 6 years abstinence from bulimia. Surprisingly, this past year was one of the toughest. Anyone who has struggled with healing an eating disorder or addiction may know what I’m talking about, but I can only speak from my own experience. I did not...
Skinny Love

Skinny Love

They lounged quietly, contentedly on his worn grey couch. Her head was in his lap as they watched another “Museum Secrets” rerun. He yawned; she kissed his knee. “There’s a thing called ‘Skinny Love'”, she said staring straight...
She’s Too Much

She’s Too Much

My mind is a shadow- half dark, half light- cast from a thought that never happened, never real. This is how I used to live: I would carry with me the weight of never being good enough- that I was always wrong somehow. I thought I was too much- too emotional, too...
As a Child Speaks

As a Child Speaks

Because he has this knack for speaking from his heart and because he means no harm, it’s hard not to fall in love with him. This child with hopes so simple and sweet. Ever since the moment I laid eyes on my son, I could feel a visceral connection. He knows when...
Shadowboxing

Shadowboxing

All the words within me are hiding behind curtains, clinging hard to the fabric- unwilling to show their faces. I want to shake them. There are times when I am so sick and tired of fear, of pretending, of shallowness clothed in martyrdom. I rage against it....
One Day

One Day

    Everyone has heard the adage: One day at a time. In recovery it was one I needed to hear often. In those rooms of beautiful souls resolved to live better, I heard so many incredibly helpful things, but this one was always true. It could be said a million...
Afraid of Love

Afraid of Love

We walked the local Rail Trail, my friend and I, an old railroad path connecting Hamilton to Brantford, Canada. The trees were a tall, sheltering canopy from the early September sun above us, leaves still mostly green and rustling in the subdued wind. I was anxious...
Two Women, a Margarita and the Truth

Two Women, a Margarita and the Truth

I want a margarita,” I said slapping my hand down on the counter in my old friend’s kitchen. She turned to look at me, amused and raised an eyebrow. “It’s that kind of afternoon, is it?” I nodded, pouting wordlessly. My friend shook her...
Even Spirit Girls Get the Blues

Even Spirit Girls Get the Blues

“I’ll just warn you; I’m in a horrible mood,” I said as I opened my front door for my friend. I was draped in oversized black cotton from head to toe. She wore pink. I tried, pathetically, to pretend it didn’t annoy me. She smiled and bit...