One Day

One Day

    Everyone has heard the adage: One day at a time. In recovery it was one I needed to hear often. In those rooms of beautiful souls resolved to live better, I heard so many incredibly helpful things, but this one was always true. It could be said a million...
The Slow Dance of Forgiveness

The Slow Dance of Forgiveness

Heaven within me, but sometimes it’s too much. It’s a shade too light, a touch too warm. I want it as much as I fear it. But maybe that’s not true. I want it more than I fear it, and yet I insist on a slow, steady dance. I insist on drama, on pain,...
A Winter Memory

A Winter Memory

  I kicked at the frozen slush behind my front tire with force. It fell and crumbled onto my still snow-covered driveway. I was a lazy shoveler and the only one who suffered for it was me. It was a full-on effort to park my car on the snowy incline every day, but...
Walking the Path

Walking the Path

  I have been following the path for years and, in my way, stumbling off and on not realizing the perfection in that. The story in my head of how things should be would inevitably shame me. It would twist the conditions of my life up into big, writhing knots and...
Webs and Water

Webs and Water

“I feel so helpless,” I said aloud as I  painstakingly applied shredded cotton strands to the brick façade of my home. They were ‘spider webs’. My daughter had complained that we didn’t have nearly enough decorations for Halloween and so...
The Wait

The Wait

“I just feel like a big, fat liar,” I told her. I used silly words on purpose. They disguised the lump in my throat. My friend beheld me lovingly. We sat on the grass with no blanket beneath us. Her high wooden fence provided an imaginary privacy. Our...
The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done

The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done

The hardest thing that I have ever done and continue to do is to be honest: Honest about what drives me, about what frustrates me, about how I go about getting what I want. And being honest with myself is often way more difficult than being honest with others. I do...
What If I Treated My Home as I Treat My Body?

What If I Treated My Home as I Treat My Body?

If I treated my home as I treat my body, how would that go? Would I constantly be thinking of what I wished was different? Would I beat myself up over the size of the windows, the condition of the wooden floors, the square footage? And if I did this, when would I...
I and Love and You

I and Love and You

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a Cancer or what, but I tell the people in my life that I love them all the time. There are some who I back off from telling because I can tell it makes them a little uncomfortable, but it doesn’t make it any...
Sight

Sight

The fear, the fear, that festering, unfathomable fear. That I’m alone in this. That I’m adrift with neither reed nor rock to anchor me. That fear sits in the pit of my stomach beneath kind words and good intentions, Beneath a heart that beats slow and...
I Don’t Know

I Don’t Know

  I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know. It’s as if I’ve been dropped in the middle of a jungle and am trying to find my way home. Some things look familiar and others are frighteningly foreign. I can’t pretend I...
Steps

Steps

I still remember how it was. I remember the anxiety and the nervous thoughts constantly passing through my mind. I recall the fear, the nasty comments I reserved only for myself and I can absolutely feel the compulsion again: That need to feel better, to fill up and...