The Toughest Year Yet

The Toughest Year Yet

Today I celebrate 6 years abstinence from bulimia. Surprisingly, this past year was one of the toughest. Anyone who has struggled with healing an eating disorder or addiction may know what I’m talking about, but I can only speak from my own experience. I did not...
Back to Me

Back to Me

Yesterday I was shopping with my eleven-year old daughter. The weather this past weekend had been beautiful and she realized she didn’t have any shorts that fit . So, off we went last evening to the local Forever 21. I love shopping for her and her stepsister....
Recovered.

Recovered.

There are many things that live and breathe beneath the surface of my daily life. I hold space in my lungs for old habits and women I used to be. The woman I love to ignore lately is the bulimic in recovery. I went to weekly meetings for three years in order to...
All That’s Left Unfelt

All That’s Left Unfelt

I wasn’t even sure how to start this post because it seems to me that I write about the same things over and over. And then it seems that I confuse my writing with my thoughts because, for me, they are so closely linked. What has been smack-dab in front of my...
These Gentle Weeks

These Gentle Weeks

My cells hold memories of this time of year. For six weeks or so between the months of June and July, my body and my mind begin to prepare. They begin to warn me of imminent pain, sadness and loss. I’m not usually conscious of it until I am at least halfway in....
Life is Too Short to Hate

Life is Too Short to Hate

I just can’t do it anymore. Life is too short to hate anyone, least of all myself. But the waters I tread are murky. I cannot trust my eyes alone. I need an omniscient Love as my guide. Without Him, my words, intentions and vibes are icky at best. For as long as...
Have No Shame

Have No Shame

What if I could live without shame? What if I could live without the shackles of other people’s opinions? I’ve believed for so long that it’s humble to acknowledge my shortcomings. I would say it out loud before anyone else could. I’d beat you...
One Day

One Day

    Everyone has heard the adage: One day at a time. In recovery it was one I needed to hear often. In those rooms of beautiful souls resolved to live better, I heard so many incredibly helpful things, but this one was always true. It could be said a million...
For The Girls

For The Girls

  This is for you. The one who has found me here. I see you. I grew up among beautiful women who didn’t know they were beautiful. They walked and talked with an underlying anxiety…a collection of thoughts that amounted to unworthiness. The...
Happy Tears

Happy Tears

Three Years. Three years up against fifteen and here I sit one month from my thirty-fifth bithday. I have, as of today, maintained three years of abstinence from bulimia after suffering for fifteen. And what is so remarkable to me is that the past three years have...
Steps

Steps

I still remember how it was. I remember the anxiety and the nervous thoughts constantly passing through my mind. I recall the fear, the nasty comments I reserved only for myself and I can absolutely feel the compulsion again: That need to feel better, to fill up and...
Softening the Blow

Softening the Blow

  Heaven knows I have done it. Since a young age I have used food as a weapon. I have hurt myself on purpose with it. For years it was a matter of handling my feelings (mostly guilt) by eating and then purging. It was a behaviour I could throw myself into, get...