But usually I am. Usually come December 1st I’m blaring carols, stringing up lights and half-done my shopping.

This year is different though.

And I’m not trying to be all dramatic and depressed and make a big deal where a big deal need not be made. But this year feels different and I’m not going to pretend that it doesn’t.

I have not started shopping, I played carols for the sake of the kids, and I ended up crying while stringing up the lights. I have spent the last seventeen Christmases with Michael as my partner and this year he’s with someone else and so am I.

And it’s better this way.

We are happier this way, but Christmas brings up all kinds of memories that I’d rather not think about right now and that’s where I am. I will deal with it. I will grieve it and let it go, but I’m taking my time. I’m walking hand in hand with my Higher Power and taking my time.

It’s sad and uncomfortable and it’s strange to know that while my life is actually better these days, there is a part of me that yearns for the feelings of holidays past. It’s complicated and reminds me how we’re not easily pleased until we let go of all expectation.

So Christmas, I’ll tolerate you. I’ll acknowledge your beauty and your magic and peace. I’ll pray to see this differently. But this year, I’m just not that into you.

Hey, there’s always next year.

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