My mind is a shadow- half dark, half light- cast from a thought that never happened, never real.
This is how I used to live:
I would carry with me the weight of never being good enough- that I was always wrong somehow. I thought I was too much- too emotional, too loud, too large. I thought it was better if I fade away- by staying quiet, by losing weight, by pleasing others so as to stifle my own wants and desires. I thought I was always on the verge of making someone hate me- that anyone, at any moment, could turn their backs and I would be left….alone.
This led to a shallow, anxiety-filled existence. I was angry a lot. I cried all the time. It was impossible for me to see that I had any worth beyond doing what would make other people happy. And I could so easily convince myself that what they wanted was what I wanted too. And I could believe it- until it all fell apart. A life built on lies will do that.
And it wasn’t all lies. There was love in there too. There was some truth woven throughout. But that shallowness, that outer shell of show- it was bullshit. It was a veneer so frail and thin keeping me barely alive for the sheer purpose of maintaining it.
All of this to hide a woman who felt she was too much.
This is how I aim to live now:
Too much for whom, exactly?
All that matters, all that anyone will ever truly connect with is the Love in my mind.
The gentler I am with myself, the gentler I am with others. I will to remember the Love that bore me- to be a safe space, judging less and less each day. I will to be kind and to value kindness above any other virtue. I will to live free.
I fuck this up all the time. All. The. Time.
I get snared into littleness. I nitpick. I blame.
But it’s all good. It’s all OK.
This grounded intention to heal the imaginary thought that cast the shadow in my mind will keep me focused on Love. I’m on my way home. And I’m taking all of you with me.