She told me it didn’t happen the way I remembered, that I was mistaken, that I must be overly sensitive or stressed somehow. She said “I’m sorry if you misunderstood…”.

That’s not an apology. I know this. And the other shit? That’s gaslighting. I know this too. I was there and I remember.

My heart is a little bit broken right now, a little bit weathered and worn. It’s not easy to see people you love as they really are. And even though I’ve known for years that things weren’t right and that there were side-effects to running one’s life and the lives of others that way, I appreciated what I saw as blunt, forthright and even empathetic wisdom. It does not mean that the latter here is no longer true, but I have to reconcile it all to have a complete, compassionate picture.

And there is context here. We are all products of our genes, our environment and our willingness to be honest with ourselves. As children we control none of these (unless the last is modelled for us) and yet, this will set the tone for our emotional, mental and spiritual maturity.

So what is mine to do?

Well, I’ve been praying… A LOT. I’ve taken time and distance and treated myself to lots of long, hot baths. I’ve re-assessed my boundaries and I have committed to saying only what is true for me and my values.

Most of all, I have to be willing to see this with Love. Because Heaven knows I far from perfect, but I refuse to be a victim or to have those I love feel like they are either. We can call a spade a spade. We can also see our sameness. And it is from there we act; from there we learn; from there we love.

And so I get quiet and say…

I feel down and disillusioned right now.
I feel lost and angry and I don’t want to.
May I be willing to feel my feelings without fear.
May I be gentle with myself in the face of backlash.
May I be willing to look again- this time with eyes that love.
May Your Knowledge replace my small perception.
And may we know Peace between us, whatever that may look like, once again.
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