I have some old ways of coping that are not so healthy. They sit in the back of my mind dusty and neglected. They remain that way until I have a night like I did last night…
Yes, it was a tough one. Overwhelmed, lonely, mind racing, disconnected and not wanting to reach into my new bag of tricks.
New Bag of Tricks = breathing, meditation, prayer, phoning a friend, listening to/watching an inspiring lecture, reading a book full of wisdom.
Old Bag of Tricks = eat, drink, numb, sleep, watch TV, numb…
I didn’t even want to feel better!! I didn’t want to feel at all. I wanted to space out. Disconnect. I wanted to eat things I don’t even like and watch TV I find completely uninteresting. The TV got so boring I actually started playing Word Mole on my Blackberry instead. Yeah. That’s right. Word Mole.
And all the while I can feel that loving voice within chuckling to herself and calling me back in. I ignored her though. I shut her out.
So here’s the thing about that: oh well. Oh well! I had a night where I felt off. I had a night where I was just so sick of the thick, yucky energy around me that instead of cleaning it up, I ignored it. Doesn’t mean it was helpful…doesn’t mean it disappeared. It just means that for a little while I checked out.
I’ve been around the spiritual block enough times to know that ignorance sure as hell ain’t bliss. It’s delaying dealing with the stuff that will have to be dealt with. And I did. This morning I breathed deeply and forgave. I forgave every little thing that seemed to trigger me last night. I cleaned it all up. I know at the root I am never upset for the reason I think. I called in Love to heal what I, in my innocence, could not on my own.
And then I shared it with you. Writing this down helps me immeasurably. Honesty lightens all that seems to weigh me down. And I am grateful for that. Oh! Add gratitude to New Bag of Tricks! And while we’re at it, let’s add writing. Any creative outlet really. It’s all good. It’s all healing. And I can’t ignore what heals me anymore….no matter how hard I try.