The Grudge

The Grudge

I was taken aback. The memory of that day filled my veins- rushing thick and and quick throughout my entire body. Nearly five years ago, I was sitting on my bed crying- trying to explain myself to someone uninterested in what I had to say. We spoke through screens and...
I Said “Yes”

I Said “Yes”

My son ran joyfully through the neighbourhood splash pad, his menacing, yet innocent laugh flying through the air. I was watching him closely, but making a point of letting him be. He was six years old now. He didn’t need to me every ten seconds anymore. My dear...
Love Against the Dying of the Light

Love Against the Dying of the Light

I have rage.  So many years of having swallowed the words I wanted to say- so many years of shutting up, saying yes while no is what lived in my breast. People-pleasing has caused a pool of anger to form in my belly.  At times, it rises up and out of me. And I am...
Villains and Victims

Villains and Victims

I sit here preparing for another talk with my dear friend, Susan Dugan, about defencelessness and I have to acknowledge that I am enraged. Someone is trying very hard to hurt someone I love and I am incredibly defensive. My heart, once full of compassion, is now...
May I See This for What It Is

May I See This for What It Is

Last night it was incessant….the noise in my head- the rumblings of what I imagine other people think of me. And only I can shut that out. Only I can take that long, lost breath and choose again. Again. It’s getting better. The conversations that used to...
The Toughest Year Yet

The Toughest Year Yet

Today I celebrate 6 years abstinence from bulimia. Surprisingly, this past year was one of the toughest. Anyone who has struggled with healing an eating disorder or addiction may know what I’m talking about, but I can only speak from my own experience. I did not...
I Don’t Need to Fix You

I Don’t Need to Fix You

This is my lifelong lesson: the only one I can truly fix is me. And even that’s not the whole story. There is this pit in my stomach, like a void, where God is and yet I don’t acknowledge. I choose to see a void instead. I choose to be fearful. I forget to...
Willing to See with Love

Willing to See with Love

I am a needy person. Scratch that- I am a needy person when I forget that all my needs have already been met. I forget all-the-goddamn-time. Beyond this physical world of ego, competition, drama and pain there is a world that I want. This world is available to me at...
You Were Never Mine

You Were Never Mine

Sometimes it seems I love without limit. I hold the hands of many and hold the breath of many more in my heart. There is a wave of ever-expanding joy when I think of those I love. I smile from the inside out.  This love is real and reflects the truth of the world, I...