I was confused. We weren’t following the formula. We seemed caught in the push and pull, but then we’d always find our way back to one another. He said to me, “There’s no right way to do this, you know. There’s only our way.”

And I believed him. It made sense to me that the world could bark something loudly, but it may or may not be right with my soul. Love was so subjective, so experiential. It could come on like a hurricane or sneak up on you slowly. It could end in a moment- a moment so final you never saw the other person again. Or it could carry on ceaselessly- an agonizing back and forth of acceptance and rejection.

So I have decided to surrender to it. I have decided to admit my weakness, my preference for one man and to give his name to the wind. No longer will I pine for days gone by. No longer will I pore over messages sent seasons ago. I shall be at peace with where I am and wish the same for him.

There is no such thing as doing this the right way. I am doing it my way- with God. I may not always know what’s best for me, but there is no need to hide my heart. There is no need to be afraid, ashamed or in doubt. I am carried even when I think I’m sinking. I am loved even when I feel unlovable. I am safe even when I sense I’ve been abandoned.

This is the relationship to work on. This is the Love to put first. Everything else is transient and will shift and change with the tide. Rooted in Spirit I am stronger, my intuition sharper, my manner and language softer. When this relationship is nurtured, I have noticed all others fall in line. There’s still an ebb and flow, I’m new at this after all, but it’s better; it’s calmer.

I feel better. I feel calmer.

So I don’t have to try to please anyone. I don’t have to be alone for a certain amount of time. I don’t have to “try and get over him”. I can just be.

Be in love. Live my life. And give it all to God.

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