I’m ready for this freight train of shit to slow the hell down. One thing after the other. I miss the days when all I had to worry about was a failing marriage and an eating disorder!
OK, that’s not true.
But I swear to God, the stuff that is coming up for me these days feels just as painful and just as unrelenting. It’s a million little things cropping up like dandelions in May. It is getting to the core of my issues and I have no label to give it- no specific disorder or disease. I am simply face to face with insecurities and childish wishes for things to go my way. Each day brings with it new frustrations guided by beliefs that keep me suffering. A Course in Miracles teaches there is no order of difficulty in miracles and so it is for ‘problems’.
I am in, what The Course calls, A Period of Sorting Out. And I hate it. It’s a period where we are called to see that anything can be helpful if given over to the Holy Spirit.
People are who they are, Danielle, Jesus (the symbol for the Holy Spirit in ACIM) tells me. Your only task is to accept them.
I stand here stomping my foot like an adolescent shouting: It’s not fair! I’m constantly misunderstood! Can’t they see how much I care?
And I think it’s because I fully embraced myself as a hot mess back then. When everything went to shit, it was OK to break down; it was OK to not have answers. But having come through the other side with a string of good, peaceful days under my belt, I want to wear the look of the enlightened and sit on my high horse telling everyone how they are the wrong ones.
Good thing Jesus has a sense of humour.
Oh Danielle, he chuckles, you’re adorable. These people you judge are no different than you. There is not a single soul walking this earth that doesn’t want to have peace. They are all simply confused about how to get there. But they will- in their own way and in their own time.
But patience is boring, I tell him.
Impatience is pain, he counters lovingly. All you really want is Love. You’re just afraid.
And I am afraid. I’m afraid of being wrong, of being unloved, of being misunderstood. I know that Love is better, but I have a hard time believing I deserve it- like, for real. I’m talking about a deep, consistent knowing that Love is your only reality and you have no need to receive it from any earthly thing. This is fucking rare. And yet, it’s where we’re all headed. It’s where I’m headed- slooooooowly, with the pace of a doped-up snail.
So please know, if you are in my life in any way, I love you. I think about you and want good things for you. I pray for guidance when I judge you and I truly want to see you as you are- perfect, whole and loved. And as much as I fuck up and push and rant…I truly want peace between us. The ego gets the better of me often, but I am committed to tuning that shitty voice out.
One fucking syllable at a time.