I caught myself doing it again. Another habit unearthed to look at, not to judge, but simply notice. An old friend asked me how I was. My reply, without thinking, was this: “Pretty good, thanks. The kids are all getting along. My friend out West is coming out of her depression. My boyfriend got that problem at work figured out.”
My old friend smiled, but my intuition saw into it. I saw in his smile his love for me, how he knew me, how he noticed what I had not, but just let it be. He had asked how I was. My reply was to expand on how the people I loved were. Apparently, my well-being was dependent on the state of those around me. If they were OK, I was OK. If they were sad, I was scrambling to make them feel better, to conjure up the solution and bring everything back to calm.
I had been seeing myself as a saviour. And how many times had my parents told me: “Danielle, you’ve been through enough. Let them figure it out.” Or my boyfriend: “Baby, you have enough on your plate, let people be and deal with their own problems.”
But you see if I let people be, then I have to focus on me. If I don’t involve myself in all that’s going on outside of myself, then I have to go within.
What is this crazy paradox that makes us afraid to heal?…That makes us fonder of the devil we know than the devil we don’t?
Because I know Love lies waiting. I know that Spirit holds me close in an embrace so tight it becomes me as I become it. I know that I can simply turn my thoughts to God and Peace will slowly, but surely dawn on me. I know it, but I don’t know it.
And so I resist it.
I have a love/hate relationships with this role of caretaker. I like that it defines me and gives me a ‘purpose’, but I hate how it drains me because I put so much into it. I put my worth into it, my very right to exist and be loved. This push-pull…this give-take…it’s exhausting. I have to shed it. I must let it go.
My worth is innate. Spirit whispers this to me all day long. “You are not this body, not this life. You are the whole, the ever-expanding joy beyond the limits you see. Step back and breathe. Ask me to remind you. I have not left you. I am right here.”
I am evolving. What was true for me yesterday is null and void today. That’s just the way it is. Change is the only constant in this crazy world. I can either hold tight, riding the dips and turns with a nervous stomach and a shallow breath or I can simply witness it. I can watch it all with a grounded faith that my Home is elsewhere and that my willingness to remember brings me closer and closer to where I want to be.
And this role of caretaker? It will evolve as I do- or perhaps, more importantly, how I feel about it will evolve. The more I see the Truth of myself within, the less need I will feel to define it without.
So how am I? I am well today. Love carries me, teaches me. I am well.
**originally written July 2015**