About four years ago, there was a two-year stretch when my son was a toddler and I was an at-home mom and I was continually thrown into these odd situations where very successful people were interested in having me work for them. It was as if I was at the center of a ring of people saying: “Come on, come out…”, but all I wanted to do was hide. I never did get used to it and often refused (either because of the time commitment or out of sheer terror).
One day I had a phone conversation with a very well-known author and model. A mutual friend had connected us as this lovely human was looking for help running an online seminar. My anxiety about conversing with this person was high. She seemed so….beautiful: Healthy and strong and pretty with celebrity friends and the whitest teeth I had ever seen.
I said a quick, silent prayer before I could think up an excuse to back out.
The call was meant to be an informal interview, but it was clear to me in the first two minutes that I was already hired. We began by extolling the virtues of our mutual friend, only to realize we had a few more friends in common. We then, somehow, fell into discussing romance and before I knew it she was detailing the past few dates she had had with a new gentleman in her life: How he had whisked her off for brunch in Miami, how he kissed, how his ex-wife was just…nuts.
And then: “What do you think, Danielle? Could he be into me? Do you think he could fall in love with me?”
At the time I was about eighteen months away from leaving the only man I had ever kissed/dated/loved. I was probably the worst possible person to ask.
But then she said: “What’s your intuition?”
I calmed instantly at that. The fear fell away. I saw her as an equal just then: a woman wanting to be loved, a woman with insecurities, vulnerable and a bit naïve- taking advantage of a kind voice over the phone to work out the questions in her heart.
So I closed my eyes and breathed. I felt immediately the kindness of this man, but also the brevity of their acquaintance- how they would let one another go softly and soon.
“My intuition is that you will absolutely find long-lasting love, but it’s not with this one,” I told her gently.
She sighed and laughed lightly, “Yeah, I kinda figured. Thank you for your honesty.”
It’s strange what put me at ease with her- that “intuition” would be the safeword to awaken me to confidence. Because intuition had nothing to do with Danielle…it was Danielle stepping aside and allowing Truth to move through her.
So many times I have avoided meeting, working with or speaking to new people. Especially ones who seemed out of my sphere. I worried about messing up, looking stupid, having them judge me. I hid out. Even when it came to my own novel, I hesitated before asking successful friends for an endorsement. I didn’t want to “bother” anyone.
But in this one conversation, I saw what dropping fear could do. It was like a wall crumbling, barriers disappearing. I became fully aware of our sameness and I was at ease.
This reminder…I needed this reminder. I have been hiding out again. And yes, it’s all perfect. And yes, it will all work out. But in the meantime, I am reminded. We are not separate. We are walking each other Home.
So I tell myself gently: “Come on, come out, Danielle. It’s OK to play.”