There’s a meme out there that says something along the lines of: “I’m always writing a story in my head.” This is my experience. I play out the life around me in my head to experience, to understand, to foster compassion. This, for me, is part of the process in making peace with the chaos. It’s my nature, unearthed at thirty, only to be shed sometime down the line. But until then…
I am a storyteller, fearless in my willingness to share what feels kind, necessary and true. My friend, Elise Ballard, and I have spoken about this at length. She concurs that some of us don’t have a choice really. There is this inner drive to relate, to take what is stewing in my belly and serve it up as words. How many times have I breathed a sigh of relief after hearing the experiences of someone else who has been where I am when I thought I was strange?
“Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone.” ~ Alan Watts
We all have our ways of navigating this world. We all help one another. I truly believe this because even the people who piss you off are waking you up. They are shining a light on something within you that has the potential to be healed. And I- I write about it all. This journey inward is not easy. In fact, it’s really fucking uncomfortable.
I had been living for years being nice. It was my default. It saved me from having to look too deeply at my own emotions. Not that I didn’t do any soul-searching, I did. But I stopped when it hurt too much and then I’d package up those feelings in a neat little pile, storing them for later.
Well, it’s later now. And while I can be kind, it seems unnecessary to be nice. Kind implies something much more powerful. It implies that I have checked in with myself and Spirit first and have moved from a place of peace. Nice is more about pleasing the other. Kindness is better for all involved, even if that isn’t easy to see right away.
The more I talk to Spirit, the clearer I become. I can shed the identity of the people-pleaser and stand in a place of strength, tethered by Love, telling my stories to learn, to express, to remember, to remind.
The goal, flexible and floating…changeable by the wind of Something Higher: to live peacefully surrounded by those I love, writing, laughing and letting go.
I am willing.