The hardest thing that I have ever done and continue to do is to be honest: Honest about what drives me, about what frustrates me, about how I go about getting what I want. And being honest with myself is often way more difficult than being honest with others.
I do not always do right. I have covered my selfish wants with intelligently-communicated good intentions. My voice is calm and soft, my demeanour gentle. It’s the perfect disguise for a woman determined.
“You owe me this.” “This is what I deserve.” I have spoken and thought these words without questioning them. I have played the victim. It’s a dangerous role indeed.
I know I have a good heart, but I have also faced this world with a good amount of fear. And fear makes us do foolish things. It makes us lash out, lie, cheat others and then justify.
You can stick to your story, but after a while your story sticks to you. The weight of it overwhelms. And when I can no longer handle the burden, surrender becomes the only option.
So, let me be honest: I am afraid of feeling unsafe. I fear being unloved. I can’t stand the thought that I may not be accepted. It drives me nuts to think that someone somewhere is speaking ill of me.
These fears, if left unchecked, are what drive me to do what I do. And I have done some crazy things.
I have starved myself and I have stolen. I have binged and I have berated. I have acted out and I have accused. I have begged for love and I have withheld it.
But I cannot dwell here. I know I must choose differently.
I know I can bring these honest thoughts to the One Who Knows Better. I can spill my guts in prayer and in return receive a whole new view: A view without victims, without a story of any kind. I can see myself and everyone else with love and I can relax into a tranquil mind.
Here I am safe. Here I am loved. Here I am accepted and here the only language is peace.
“Seek not outside yourself. For all your pain comes simply from the futile search for what you want, insisting where it must be found. What if it is not there? Do you prefer that you be right or happy?” A Course in Miracles [T573/617]