I have arrived at a place in my life where I can say to you that I am insane. I will qualify that a smidge by saying that my relationship to food is insane. Of course I am healing that, but let’s not bury the crazy with good intentions. I have to bring this darkness to the light and I’m doing that, albeit slowly.
I had to speak out today because it occurred to me that it could be very easy to gloss over my food behaviour with a label like “emotional eating”. Oh I was emotional alright, but it was so much more. We’re not talking about curling up on the couch with a box of chocolates and “The Notebook”. We’re talking about a mind-racing, heart-pounding, tear-filled binge over the sink. Desperation, panic and and a manic need to FEEL BETTER!
In short, this was a compulsive reaching out for higher ground shrouded in pain. I wanted to feel the peace of God. I looked for it in food.
Now, one is not better or worse than the other. One did, however, bring me to my knees while the other may have had me temporarily crying on my bed. Being brought to my knees was the best thing that ever happened to me. This my friends, is what is referred to as “a bottom”: My lowest point in a pit of despair where the only place to look was up.
I had to give it over.
Did I make that clear? I had to come face to face with my insanity in order to heal. As long as I was just an “emotional eater”, there was no motivation to really look within. But when I became willing to look at what was going on underneath the binge and the purge, I could recognize there a piece of myself that didn’t fit.
And bringing this guilt to the light is how I am healing. Bit by bit, I bring it over. All these thoughts of my own innate unworthiness have reached their expiration date. I bring them over. I let them go. I set fire to the lies and watch them burn. Slow.
But at least I let go.
Thank God for bottoms.