I have rage. So many years of having swallowed the words I wanted to say…so many years of taking the hits have caused a pool of anger to form in my belly. And at times, it rises up and out of me. And I am ashamed.
I have always had a temper. I reserved it for my parents, my brother and eventually my boyfriend. I put on the nice face for friends and acquaintances and reserved the venom for those closest to me. So unfair. And I am ashamed.
It occurs to me though, how pointless the shame is. It makes me think what a waste of energy it is. What if all of this, the rage and the shame, could be transmuted? What if all of this could be transformed back into Love? Because if I truly believe that Love is all there is, then the rest of it is bullshit. The rest of it has been made up in my head, and I have no need to be ashamed.
And so I tried something…. Rage came up in my belly like a flame longing to be fanned, and I breathed. I took a step back, turned on my heel and headed for my meditation space. I felt the rage. I punched my pillow. I let it spill out with eyes closed and breath perilously quick. I asked out loud “What is this?”. I heard: You want control. Again I asked out loud “So what should I do?”. I heard: Let it all go. Give it over to me.
I didn’t want to let it go. But I didn’t want to be a stark raving bitch either. I breathed again. I pictured myself putting my anger, my need for control into a bag. I walked up a tall hill to a cliffside. Peering over the edge I asked myself: “Do I want peace?”. Yes, came the answer. I gathered up the bag of BS, clutched it to my breast and with a deep breath, I let it all go. A flash of light appeared before me in my mind’s eye, I sighed with relief. My burden was gone.
I could breathe deep again. My desire for love and peace finally outweighed my desire for control. It’s a step. The more I do this, the shallower that pool of rage becomes. The lighter I am. The rage is transformed. My light can never die.